Meetings. At best they are a necessary evil. At worst they are a soul-crushing waste of your time. The goal of any successful meeting should be to stay on topic and get out as fast as possible. Sadly, most don’t turn out that way, often because there is at least one person in attendance who just doesn’t get it. You can usually look at a list of who’s invited to a meeting and know when it’s time to fake a bout of pancreatitis to skip it. It helps to classify these co-workers like animals so you can identify who they are and know how to combat them. Here are ten types of people who will ruin your meeting and slowly suck away your will to live.
The Lost Sheep
You can’t know when one of these meeting crashers will show up, so there’s no way to escape them. Odds are they have wandered into the wrong room or are there at the wrong time. Once you identify someone as a Lost Sheep, the best thing you can do is speak up immediately. If you’re lucky, the clueless individual will quickly admit they are in the wrong place and leave. Crisis averted. The DEFCON-1 scenario is when this person insists they are in the right room and you’re not. The situation can escalate into an office version of the Korean War in no time. If others show up for your specific meeting, you’ve got allies and should be able to shame the Lost Sheep into going. If not, plan on pulling up the room calendar to determine who’s in the wrong. And pray to God it’s not you. If it is, you’re the Lost Sheep and secretly mocked by everyone in your office. At this point, it’s best just to find another job.
The Always Tardy
Being late can’t always be avoided. If a co-worker makes it on time to most meetings, cut them some slack if they show up to one a few minutes late. Some people in any office are almost never on time though. Everyone knows who they are. If an Always Tardy is invited to your meeting, you’ll probably wait five minutes or more before starting because you know they will saunter in at some point. This is madness. Waiting two minutes to start a meeting is the acceptable amount of time. Don’t go one second over. When the Always Tardy shows up ten minutes later, do nothing to accommodate them. Don’t catch them up. Don’t even acknowledge them. Keep on going with what you’re doing and let them fend for themselves. If they cared, they would get there on time. As a bonus bit of fun, make sure they are assigned any action items before they show up.
The Oblivious Questioner
Sometimes the right question in a meeting can be helpful. There are times when a speaker doesn’t get their point across very well or an agenda topic is not fully covered. Intelligent and probing queries help with these situations and should be encouraged. Unfortunately, certain people can be counted on to not ask these kinds of questions. Instead, they will invariably wait until the meeting is almost over and ask something blatantly obvious about a topic already covered. Your company should have a list of employees who regularly do this. Anyone not on the list should be aware of who is. Free reign should be given to mess with these wretched souls. When they ask their inevitably silly question, simply contradict what was discussed. If everyone agreed to do ‘A,’ tell this person to do ‘B.’ Worst case, they will wonder why you changed your mind, and you can call them out for wasting your time. Best case, they will make a fool of themselves and hilarity will ensue.
The Own Voice Lovers
Every office has a handful of people who love to hear themselves talk. If you have a meeting about the sky being blue, this person will carry on about whether it is more cerulean or azure. If you are scheduled to be in a meeting with one, your best bet is to avoid it completely. Alas, there are times when it can’t be helped. After all, you can only pretend to have an inflamed pancreas so often before your boss starts to wonder why you’re not dead. When you find yourself in a meeting with one of these co-workers, it’s best just to engage them right away. Even if they drone on for a few minutes about inanities, at least they get it out of their system. If you delay it, you’re in trouble. The longer they wait to talk, the more they feel they need to say. If you wind up in a situation where there are two Own Voice Lovers in the room, get ready for a meeting apocalypse. You’ll be lucky to leave work in time for dinner.
The Pontificator
This is a particular class of Own Voice Lover. They add to that annoying habit by believing they are the authority on any given subject. Whatever the topic, this windbag is confident they have the most knowledge about it and are happy to let everyone know why. You cannot allow a Pontificator to take control of your meeting at all costs. If you do, they will assuredly waste everyone’s time with an at least twenty-minute dissertation on insignificant minutia. Pontificators also have a great talent for not having to stop to breathe. Perhaps they have gills in place of a sense of humility. Once they do stop for a moment, you need to tell them immediately how interesting their thoughts were and move on to a new subject. Never disagree with them on anything. If you do, the Lincoln-Douglas debates will seem tame by comparison.
The Quiet Mouse
On the other end of the spectrum is the person who will never speak up in a meeting. These timid folks are so quiet that it’s easy to forget they are there. While this isn’t the worst problem to have, it is an underrated issue. Everyone was invited to the meeting for a reason. If someone isn’t speaking up, either they are not sharing something that could be helpful, or they are useless. You have to force a Quiet Mouse to talk to figure out which they are. Call on them at every opportunity. Either they will speak up or clam up. If the former, congratulations. You have birthed a competent colleague. If the latter, they need to be taught a lesson. Immediately invite them to every meeting possible and make them so miserable they end up quitting.
The People Pleaser
The best meetings have a concise agenda and someone running the show with enough backbone to stick to it. In this golden scenario, most meetings are over in a flash. People Pleasers are never in charge of these. They are too nice for their own good and will let anyone run roughshod over them. When they control the agenda, if someone brings up a topic not even remotely related to the subject, this piece of human milquetoast will let them hijack things. You should never ever have a People Pleaser in a meeting attended by a Pontificator. These two types have a host-parasite relationship, and the Pontificator will always play off the People Pleaser to get the floor. Keeping them separate can be hard because, like any predator, Pontificators naturally surround themselves with People Pleaser prey. If you work in an office where this is the case, quitting to become a shepherd is a legitimate option.
The Technically Challenged
With more of the workforce being remote, meetings are now often virtual. Invariably, one person invited to a video conference will be clueless when it comes to technology. Count on things being delayed at least ten minutes waiting for their problems to be solved. Don’t try to help. Your office has people for that. Let them do their job. Someone unqualified getting involved only prolongs the agony further. In many cases, the problem can’t be quickly fixed, and a decision needs to be made to carry on anyway. Be the person to make that call. By the way, if a colleague is Technically Challenged and an Own Voice Lover, this is a golden opportunity. Figure out their remote work schedule and set-up your meetings accordingly.
The Busy Beaver
These days, everyone is multi-tasking. With laptops, tablets, and smartphones all pinging for our attention, what’s happening in a meeting can be the last thing we pay attention to. No doubt, there are certain situations when this is understandable. If a Pontificator is droning on or a Technically Challenged colleague is delaying things, it makes sense to be productive. There are times when full attention is needed though, and everyone should put away their devices. If someone in your meeting doesn’t, call on them as soon as possible. Be warned that you’ll find some Busy Beavers are so skilled, they can keep up for a while and will at first give you a coherent response. These people are cocky. Keep calling on them every few minutes. They will either start to pay attention or will soon say something foolish showing they were distracted. Either way, satisfaction will be yours.
The Personal Hygienist
The most disgusting type of person you don’t want in your meeting has been saved for last. This awful troll has for unknown reasons decided that the perfect time to trim their fingernails is your meeting. The sound is infuriating. Click. Click. Plonk. Click. Click. Plonk. The image is revolting as human detritus starts to pile up on the table. What’s weird is these folks are utterly unaware of how out of the mainstream they are. They’ll start talking even as their Clippers keep going. It also seems like they need to trim their nails much more than a normal human. Maybe their missing brain power has been redirected to the nail bed. Thankfully, it’s easy to deal with them. Your tendency might be to ignore it. Don’t. Pause the meeting, call out their behavior, and tell them they are the most repulsive person on the planet. Then get back to the agenda. The direct approach is the best.